Abusive relationships

Please don’t let love fool you into staying….

So he says he love you?  He also said that you mean so much to him that he wouldn’t be able to live without you? He says these things but then he jumps in your face, acts like your the reason he acts this way and proceed to degrade you like your nothing. He hasn’t put his hands on you but you find your heart shattered and broken into a million pieces.  His actions and words towards you prove to you your not enough yet you stay.  I don’t know who you are that I’m speaking to but I want you to know that emotional and mentally abusive relationships are not OK to be in.  So many questions come to mind when your sitting in the dark after crying your eyes out wondering why you aren’t good enough.

To whomever is going through this now or have been through it, I want you to know it’s NOT you!  You are not the problem.  You have not done anything wrong other than letting love trick you into staying in these abusive relationships that you don’t deserve.  I want you to know that we all understand your reasoning because just like you everyone wants love but please understand real love can’t come from someone who is hurting you!  Yes I get that its not physical abuse but he is breaking you down day by day minute by minute.  That man is a coward.  You are beautiful, smart and intelligent never let anyone tell you other wise.  The man that is verbally abusing you is a very insecure man.  His issues are within himself and has nothing to do with you.  With that being said I don’t care what you do to try and FIX him he will always revert to acting like you are the worst.

When you pour your love all over him does he accept it? When you encourage him and tell him things in life aren’t always going to be picture perfect but worth it, does he scold you like a child because he wants everything his way right then because he has no patience with life or with you? On your happy days does he go out his way to make you feel like you shouldn’t be happy because nothing is right for him? Does he make you feel like your walking on eggshells just to be sure you don’t provoke him into jumping in your face, cussing you out to a point that the tears roll faster than you can blink?

I know this may be a lot to think about it and I’m not telling you this will be easy but I will tell you that you have to leave this situation.  The man that is doing this to you don’t love you fully like you deserve to be loved.  I have always believed that a man that does this to a woman is a broken man with internal issues that you can’t fix for him no matter how much you want to do so.  I understand that you love the one that you are with but at the same time you have to love yourself a little bit more.  There comes a time in life that you have to put yourself first regardless if you see the man your with as your priority.

You don’t deserve to be treated anything less than the queen that you are.  I just can’t stress this enough that you are enough! Even if you are not enough for the person that you want to be enough for but I promise you that somebody one day will see you for you and will love you like you could never imagine.  If that man is verbally abusing you please don’t feel obligated to stay because you love him or that you think he loves you.  A man that loves you will love on you, pray with you, care for you, hold you, make sure your OK and always be there for you.  A real man that loves you will not want to see you see you cry and although I’m sure not a lot people know that you are going through this because you prefer that it is kept quiet but just know your eyes speak even when your mouth is closed.

Don’t be afraid to find happiness.  As women we have to love and support one another please read and find encouragement in this post as well.  Don’t ever stay in abusive relationships remember you are a queen so allow yourself to be treated like one.

abusive relationships

 

Dating chat is needed

Is he long-term or short-term?

So I want to start off by telling you that the old saying that you hear people saying that you have to go through the bad to get to the good is true!  The process of dating can lead to good long-term things or it could be bad short-term things.  Personally I will tell you all I have had the worse and I feel that now I can recognize better. I want to explain exactly what I mean so let’s do some dating chat.

When dating someone it should be a fun and exciting time for both you and him.  You both should be putting in effort to get to know each other and build up a bond that becomes unbreakable.  I learned quickly to identify suspicious behavior when dating someone.  Now that may sound a bit off or funny but I promise I have a reason for saying that.  Do you know that during the dating stage you ask lots of questions and actually listen to remember the answers?  Well if you knew that I want you to know you are one of the smarter ones because up until recently I didn’t even know particularly men had that in them.  As women we get so use to the wrong ones that we become immune to it.  We also should never look at that as normal because it’s not!

Lately I’ve found out ladies that there is some hope for us!  If you follow my posts regularly then you already know I only write on what I know and have experienced so when I tell you that there is a man out there that will listen to you, pursue you consistently, be there for you, bring NO baggage your way, be honest with you, date you with better intentions than just to sleep with you, put you first, be faithful and loyal to you I’m telling you the truth!  Ladies if you are getting anything less that those things he is NOT the one.

The purpose of this dating chat is that you will be able to identify a guy who is good for you if you are looking for short-term.  It’s the suspicious behavior that gives it away.  That man can tell you what you want to hear but watch how he handles you.  If every time that man sees you it’s at your house and always includes straight to the bed and then he dips out, that is not the man who is looking for long-term with you.  Yea that guy may like what he is getting from you but that’s it!  That guy is not dating you because you have a beautiful smile, beautiful personality, your honest, loyal, and faithful.  A real man is going to not only be attracted to you physically, but mentally, and emotionally.  That man is going to want to know all about you and he will invest time into doing so.

Never allow someone to tell you they are so busy with work and daily life that they can’t make time for anything other than coming to CHILL with you, handle their business then leave.  Dating is fun and relaxed but remember when you date a person you are  dating with a purpose!  I say don’t date a when can I come chill with you type guy.  You have to get you a hey how you doing can I take you out type of guy.  I promise you those are the best.  They make their intentions known and leaves no room for guess-work and you can’t ask for better than that.  It’s the simplest things that REAL men do that will make you want them more.

So if that man don’t have you feeling like a queen, give you hope and faith that not all are the same then that’s those short-term guys, you better watch out for them and let them go!  Having the worse has definitely paved the way for the best to come just pay attention to how he handles you.  I’ve enjoyed the dating chat you all have to let me know your experiences as well in the comments.  Read this here as well for more dating chat.

dating chat

Find your motivation

Even if done alone you have to keep going..

I know things can be ruff at times and I also know that it’s so easy to get distracted. If you are a regular follower of my posts then you already know that I talk from experience.  I am here to tell you all that there will be some people in your life that will bring nothing but negative energy but it’s up to you to find your own motivation.  When I say find your own motivation I mean find it within yourself. Don’t ever depend on no one to give you what you can find within.

It took me a while to realize that not everyone was going to be my everyday cheerleader.  I had so much negative energy around me at one point in my life that I literally ALMOST begun to think like them.  It was at that point that I knew I had to make some changes to get away from them.  As a matter of fact it was more like running away because I wanted no parts of it.  I realized I deserved so much better because I sat back and thought about all the good I do for others and it just makes sense to want some of that back.  I know that no one is perfect each of us are fighting our own demons but that shouldn’t make you want to devalue the person or people that are there for you.

Throughout my life I have always been supportive of the people close to me and people that I don’t even know I have words of encouragement for them too. You can never really know exactly what people are going through in life so you have to be someone’s difference between a bad day and a bad life.  What that means is if you can’t be supportive, show love, inspire, encourage and motivate a person then no need to have a conversation of any kind with that person.  I say that because if that person is already going through some things why contribute to it?  If that person has a lot going on and you come around with your negative energy then the first thought in their head is ugh nothing can go right in my life but if you are supportive you can possibly change that thought.

The point of this is no matter who you are and what you do in life don’t allow negative people around to influence your thinking.  I do know that negativity is always around lurking but it just makes it even harder than what it has to be when you have the extra negativity from people close to you.  Take the time to find your own motivation to be great within yourself! The journey you are on will not be easy but it will be worth it always remember that.  As far as the people that enter your life and want to see you winning these battles time after time make sure to feed off of that and keep them around because its not many out here that’s going to be that ear to listen or that crutch when you can’t stand alone!  So love one another and support one another because its already enough hate in the world as it is. This post here will also provide insight on this message I wanted to share with you all.

motivation is what keeps you going in life. Motivate yourself even when you have no support.

 

Love where are you?

Patiently waiting….

There are so many days that I sit and think about the past 10 years of my life.  I have never had that one true love that could stand against all adversity.  I think that most others do right after the point of having disappointments.  What I mean by that is I gave up on the thought of love and start focusing on me.  I realized that just maybe that is whats been missing and I have to fully understand what I want before I can let another in.  Now that statement may sound easy but trust me it’s deeper than how I wrote it!  What I mean is after doing some evaluations in my life to try to figure this thing out I realized something.  I must say when I realized it I was completely astound.

What I found out was that its not about the things that happened or caused the ending of my past relationships it actually was about the start of those relationships.  When people say why are you single, we all begin to rave about what the other person did in the relationship only because as humans we aren’t perfect .  When someone ask me that now oh I have the correct response (haha).  I say to them I’m single because like most I am guilty of knowing damn well people from my past was not a good match for me because of the red flags I peeped right from the beginning and choose to ignore them.  I guess I just feel like people deserve chances and I have a bad habit of thinking everyone’s heart is the same as mine which I have quickly realized its not!

When I first meet a guy I try my best to get to know all about them.  I want to understand where his mind is at and what I want from the relationship as time passes.  I always make it clear as to who I am as a person and what it is that I’m looking for.  Often times I say upfront I’m looking for long term if you are not with that then just maybe friendship will be better.  I’ve always dated with a purpose.  I don’t date a guy just to be doing it because I don’t have the time to do that.  So here comes the fun part after we establish all those things such as like, dislikes, goals, etc. I get excited and ready to see where the relationship will go but boy am I in for a rude awakening.

A few weeks after or maybe even a month or so after the oh so good “talking stage” has come to an end and the person realize that you care for them, that’s when all hell breaks loose.  You begin to see the “dark side” of that person.  This is the part that has me rolling laughing.  I’m laughing because I already peeped it yet I ignored it! There are always signs that are there but you all know how good the talking stage is which cause us to overlook things.  I use to blame myself but then realized as years has pass that when you know better you do better and I promise you one thing I’ve learned to be more selective.  This whole time I had been wondering why I can’t have a love that will last me a life time or at least get close to it.

Now I know that I’ve understood that its not them it was me and my choice in men that caused me so many issues I feel like I will be ready to fully love and find my forever one day (haha).  I’m just enjoying life and I know I will know when the right one comes along because I’ve had the wrong ones.  I will be more selective in my choosing and when I see something is not right I will refuse to linger it on.  Good women as I always say are the ones that are taken advantage of the most but mostly because we allow it.  We have to be more firm in our expectations, wants and needs.  We have to stop settling for just anything just because our heart is good and we seem to think every man we meet will live up to what we know we provide in the relationship.  Its OK to think of others but lets stop forgetting about ourselves! Check out this post here and you will see how all of this comes together after the fact.

love will come just be patient

Toxic relationships

What did I do to you?

I felt very compelled to write about this because I see it happen all the time and I too have experienced being in toxic relationships.  In the beginning of the relationship everything seems fine and you are enjoying each other.  A lot of the problems that will arise later in the relationship you probably wouldn’t  have even seen it coming.  I know there is always a phase that new relationships go through called the “lubby dubby” stage but what happens after that stage is what has me like wow!  This particular stage reminds me of another post I’ve written and you can check it out here.

I met a guy a few years back and I promise you the treatment I got from him I definitely didn’t expect it nor saw it coming.  The rage he had in him was beyond anything I had seen before.  I felt so emotionally drained.  He had a lot of issues going on in his life way beyond my control and his as well.  Lets just say the choices he made earlier in life affected his future in ways he didn’t think it would while he was growing up and coming into himself as a man.  In situations like this you find yourself trying to motivate, inspire and just be there as a good woman should for the man that she is with.  You also begin to feel terrible that you can’t make all of his issues fade away. When you begin to feel that way you then start throwing his behavior towards you “under the rug”.

When a man is stressed as we all get sometimes there is still a certain way to handle it.  Never should one say oh he is stressed and that’s why he is constantly yelling, fussing, being negative, and acting as if you’re the problem when in reality deep down you both know what the problem is and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  Toxic relationships happen all the time but the fact that you don’t know when to let them go is when it becomes a major problem.  Lucky for me I knew what was acceptable and what wasn’t so when it was time to let go, I did just that! I’ve learned over the years that you can try to motivate, encourage and inspire someone all you want but until they are ready to face their issues head on, there is nothing you can do or say that will help them.  The one thing that you can do is love yourself enough to say “hey I understand you are going through a lot and its nothing that can make it better but there is still a level of respect that you will have to have for me in order for me to continue to be here for you.  These kind of relationships can break you down mentally and have you emotionally drained if you let it.  I say that to say this if you’re in a toxic relationship and it can’t be worked though  then go do whats best for you because it’s not fair to you that the person your with is taking out his or her problems on you.  When you’re in a relationship you are supposed to be that person’s peace not there making them feel like an enemy that your attacking because you can’t handle what’s going on in your own life! If you remain in a toxic relationship it can only bring you down to level that you don’t want to be at and you don’t deserve that!

toxic relationships are not healthy and you shouldn't allow someone to treat you less than you deserve
toxic relationships

The healthy relationship

Many may ask is the relationship that I am in really worth the things that I am going through?  A lot of the times we tend to stay in relationships that are unhealthy solely based on the fact that we think that we can change the person that we are with.  It’s proven time and time again that no relationship is perfect but that does not mean that you have to deal with the actions of person that seems to not care because that’s not healthy.  I always tell people when they are looking for advice that the moment you start to question a person’s actions and the way they are treating you then something is not right.

When you are in a healthy relationship with someone you will know it and you will feel it.  Although all relationships have its share of arguments there is no way that two people are arguing every day or even every other day in a healthy relationship.  When the person that you are with is seeing someone else and you constantly have to forgive them, or they are making you feel beneath them, that’s not a healthy relationship.  When two people come together its so inspire, motivate, love, and to build a foundation capable of lasting a lifetime.

If you care for your partner and want them in your life, you have to prove it with your actions.  The bickering and  arguments that you are having does more damage than good.  It destroys the bond which is the foundation of the  relationship.  There is no woman or man in this world that does not want to be in a healthy relationship in which two people can sit down, talk, have fun together, play together and build together.  Healthy relationships are built and maintained and it will take work but if two people have the same goal in mind then you both deserve the happiness and fulfillment that a healthy relationship can bring.   For in depth understanding consider reading this.

relationship

Men have feelings too…

Have you ever noticed how men will go literally crazy if he even suspects his woman is seeing someone else or have feelings for someone else?  This man will shut all the way down on you and act like you committed murder or something!  I know that as women we really go crazy too but its something different when a man does it.  It seems like it take his whole soul out of him.  A man can cheat on his woman time after time after time and he says oh it was a mistake or just something that happened then proceed to continue on with his day like nothing happened.

Ladies I want you all to know that a quiet man is a man who is hurt and is holding his feelings in.  As women we should all understand why though and if you don’t let me explain it to you.  Most women who cheat is already cheating for a reason in the first place.  They are cheating due to a lack of something they are not getting in the relationship.  A woman never just cheats with just anyone.  There has to be something that peaks her interest about the man who she is cheating with and for the time being he is providing something she isn’t receiving at home.  I promise you there is an attraction and some type of emotional connection that is felt at that moment!  I say that to say this when women cheat it’s a reason and the person she cheats with is not random!

Men are not as blind to feelings as we would like to think they are.  Most men don’t give it too much thought when they cheat because they are built different from a woman!  A man don’t have to have any emotional ties to a woman but because he WANTS to or is attracted to the woman he can be with her even if for one night and still not care about her.  Therefore the odds are fair in saying some women can forgive a man who cheats because its assumed that he loves her but made a mistake although we all know better than that!

If you step out on your man I’m here to tell you that if that man loves you and you do that its going to break him down.  That man knows that women cheat with a purpose so to say and his ego will be crushed!  A man can handle a lot of things but this thing here will have him broken.

Cheating is wrong no matter who does it man or woman but the harsh reality of it is that it happens!  I see it all the time and honestly I don’t see it ever stopping.  What I do know is it’s totally up to you as to what you allow in YOUR life!  I truly wish none of this was reality but we have to face it it’s the reality we live in! Consider reading this here.

Men have feelings too

You get the attention you give

Getting attention requires putting in the work in order to get it back the same

Have you ever noticed there are times in the relationship that your partner is over joyed and the affection and attention you are receiving makes you think like what’s gotten into you? Many don’t even think about the causes of this which is quite simple and I want to shed some light on it. When you are not stressing your partner that person will not reciprocate and have you feeling like you can’t get from around them fast enough. If you are not playing around, you’re being honest, and loving on your partner, I can assure you that you will get the same!

It’s when you start to drift off, be dishonest and not show the love and attention to your partner is when they will start to retaliate with those very uncomfortable so called “attitudes and mood swings”. A woman (including myself until learned different) always thinks that men are mind readers but I want you to know for a fact they are not! I will say in our defense though the reason that we think that is because we feel that if you’re doing something wrong you should be able to pick up on it without someone else having to tell you. We are always hoping that our partner understands the simple thought of if he wouldn’t want me to do it why would he?

We all have to keep in mind that if you are in a relationship and don’t want the added unnecessary stress then we have to communicate and avoid doing the things that you know your partner wouldn’t care for but ladies we have to remember to address what the issue is so that it can be fixed. Always remember you get what you put out so if you want more of those good days reciprocated then as always you have to do what you would want given to you nothing less than that. Its so much going on in the world today to be stressing the one you are with, they should be your peace instead. Read this for a bit more understanding of what I mean.

to get the attention from your partner you must be willing to give the same thing

I found a good woman but….

Building relationships takes two people!

How do you expect what you are not giving? Building relationships is hard but you have to put in the work.  A man can have the highest expectations ever of his woman, yet he ain’t worth the time and energy she spends trying to fix the relationship. It’s a well-known fact that men can recognize when they have a good woman however they just ain’t in the right mindset to keep her. Something I’ve observed a lot is men saying how they want a really good, loyal, faithful, honest, completely trustworthy woman who also cooks, clean and also provide good sex however and whenever he wants it! It’s not that I even think that’s too much to ask for it’s just that these men aren’t willing to do the same!

I am a firm believer that what you want to receive you have to be willing to give as well. I never quite understood why men say they recognize when a woman deserves the title of wife one day, yet he treats her like she has no value! The worst of the worst is the men that says “she’s a really good woman but I ain’t ready for all of that right now” but still be very persistent in getting that woman. Sometimes I think it’s an ego thing. That man ain’t ready, but he knows there are men out there that are, so he wants to keep her on stand by away from the next male just to say he got her. My first thought when I see this happening is why are you pursuing this woman when you know what she is about and you are not ready for it so why mess with it? Men you have to understand that playing around with a woman who is established, knows what she wants, ready to treat her man like a king, you just don’t play around with something like that.

When that woman is being consistent, loyal, honest, faithful, keeps herself up, takes care of home, all the while got you feeling like the king that you are not to her you should feel ashamed. There are real men looking for this woman so take your place in the back and sit down, so she can notice her king standing up awaiting her arrival!  There is nothing attractive about a man not recognizing his woman worth.  A good woman is priceless! Men have to start taking good women more serious because just like everyone say a good man is hard to come by, its the same way for women.  Ladies stop letting men put you on reserve!  If that man is not focused on you and do only enough to keep you around please understand you are worth more and you deserve to be building relationships with people who appreciate you.  For more inspiration ladies check out this post here.

I found a good woman

Why am I taking you serious?

We quickly forget the elements of a serious relationship

Have you ever gave someone your all but all that your getting is inconsistency and a wondering mind but they say your in a serious relationship?  Do you ever find yourself wondering why am I taking this person serious while they are wasting my time?  I know that it may seem cliche to ask but have you ever stopped to ask yourself why are you giving your all to an inconsistent person? Although the inconsistency is a problem, it’s not solely that person’s problem. I say that because if you are allowing the inconsistency and you are still hanging on to something that isn’t there then it makes it partially your fault too! A person will only do what you allow them to do to you!

At some point regardless of talking stage or actually in a relationship you have to speak up voice your feelings and ask if it can be fixed because that’s called communication which is essential for any serious relationship. If that person is not trying to fix it and you know it then you are showing them it’s OK to treat you the way that they are! There is nothing that is going to change a person other than if it’s something they really want to do. Believe it or not sometimes you have to love or like a person from a distance. You can’t always stay in situations because of how strongly you feel or how you believe things will change. Rule of thumb for me is people are consistent with what they really want and what they don’t want to live without. So when you are thinking and your mind is wondering how does he feel about me or how does she feel about me just know if the person hasn’t or won’t tell you then just watch their actions towards you. You shouldn’t have to think about the consistency of a person because they will be so consistent it won’t give you the opportunity to do so!

If a person can’t be consistent with you and have your mind wondering then love yourself enough to say this isn’t fair to me and begin to evaluate your next move regardless of what it is just don’t give your all to someone who is inconsistent and have your mind wondering you don’t deserve that!  Always remember we are no longer kids you have to hold a person responsible for their actions and they have to be willing to accept responsibility for their actions.  As a reminder please know that no consistency no relationship because your significant other will begin to loose interest more sooner than later.  Check out this post here to discuss this further.

building relationships takes time and effort