When I think of what an emotional affair is I think of it as an affair of the heart. I find this especially true when you are currently committed to another. I have seen this happen in relationships many more times than I have fingers to count them all on. Emotional affairs don’t turn out too well either from what I have seen. If you are the faithful one in the relationship I bet you are asking yourself right now “how could this have happened or what did I do wrong?”. Well I have realized some things and I’m ready to speak what I think you should know about these emotional affairs.
This is innocent…
So you have met a new friend of the opposite sex at the work place, school, or etc. As the conversations deepen you start to see exactly what you saw in your partner when you first met them. This is a feeling of excitement from the freshness of it all and the attention you are getting is exactly what you have been missing in your current relationship. The attraction you have to your new flame is heating up more and more so you begin to do what you would call innocent flirtation. In your mind you know it’s wrong but it feels right so you continue the behavior.
Let me stop you for a minute….
OK so in that person’s mind they know it’s wrong but they consider it innocent flirting? I see a lot wrong with that because if your mind is telling you it’s wrong then clearly it is wrong! I am the type of person who analyze a lot of things and one thing for sure is you have to be an exact replica of what you would want your partner to be. If the shoe was on the other foot, could you wear it? Many of us have grandparents or parents who I know have said that around the house quite a few times before. So not much explaining is needed on that so let’s get back to this.
He understands me….
So now that you are having conversations outside of the designated place that you originally should have kept the limited conversations at it’s now becoming an emotional attachment. The man or woman you are involving yourself with now knows all of the shortcomings of your partner because you have confided in them. At this point you are thinking this person really has a sincere interest in you and because you are getting what you think it better than what you currently have you roll with it and there becomes an emotional affair. As you grow closer to this person you start to give more and put more into the situation. You now find yourself sneaking to see them, setting time aside to put in that good night text and etc.
This can’t be right…
Time is passing and questions are sparking between you and your partner as to what’s going on because things have seemed to changed a lot. You are in a confused state and all you know is that this can’t continue because it’s eating you up inside having this emotional affair with another that doesn’t belong to you! You sit down with your partner with hopes that he or she won’t pick up on the vibes and energy you are filling the room up with. To your surprise your partner already knows to an extent and says “whatever you are doing if you stop it now we can start over and work on getting back to what we are close to losing”. Deep down you know you can’t continue this anymore anyway and have to make a decision.
After you think everything over you tell your partner what you have been up too. You tell him or her why it felt right to do what you did. Meanwhile you have cut off communication with the other person while you were figuring this all out. You have been spending time reflecting and have realized it wasn’t solely your partners fault for all the things you felt had disappeared from the relationship. You are now doing exactly what you should have been doing this whole time yet you didn’t even realize in the act of searching for something else to replace what you had, you could have had it all the long only if you wasn’t so distracted putting all of your effort into someone else that was only going to tell how he wasn’t taking you serious he was just looking for some fun after you contact him to tell him you can’t see him anymore .
Everyone please understand this one thing you must start paying attention and communicating! You will find yourself losing good men and women left and right if you are busy focusing on the greener grass when in reality your grass can look the same way if you focus on it and water it, it can become just as green as it was before. For another good read click here.
I know that for me and a lot of others respect goes a long way. But the question is how do you say you respect someone when you tell them lies constantly? I don’t know about others but in my opinion when you are in a relationship and you are building a bond and strong foundation for the relationship it should be a very simple process to the tell the truth. A lot of things are easier said than done but I won’t compromise with this one only because it’s to simple to do. Just imagine not having to tell a million lies to cover up just one lie!
I want to completely make it clear that no man nor woman will be perfect! I want you to also understand that if you are looking for the perfect man or woman you should just stay single FOREVER! I know that may sound harsh but trust me its real and it came from a very sincere place. When your decide to lie to your partner about something that you already know may jeopardize the relationship that means you made a calculated decision to do so and that’s selfish. Just because you may think your partner will flip out or leave the relationship is just your thoughts but what if just maybe you tell them the truth and although they are furious they begin to respect you more for telling them the truth?
I just can’t hurt the one I love…
So after some thought you have chosen to continue with your lies because of selfishness which in your mind you think you are protecting your partner’s feelings. My question is and I know your partner’s question is as well deep down were you really looking out for them or are you are just looking out for yourself? Let me help you understand something, this is deep this isn’t the small lie that you have told in order to throw a surprise for her that she would love that you know she has been wanting. This lie will last in her mind for a possible lifetime because as a woman I can speak for us and let you know upfront we forget nothing! Something to remember is you are only hurting the person more by not giving them an option of how to handle how they feel. You are not trusting in the fact that they are capable of making the best decisions for themselves which in turns hurt them more.
Let’s fix this…
So lets just look at another option which is the BEST option! Let’s say you decide to tell the truth and your partner is mad but says “I know how hard it was for you to tell me the truth but I appreciate that you respected me enough to tell me and although I’m mad lets talk about how to fix this”. Now I have to tell you that you may not get the response in those exact words and not at the exact moment that you tell the truth but you will get a better response than if you lied! We all have to learn to trust in our partners and know that if the bond is strong don’t throw it away for momentarily people or things that try to come between the two of you. Always work on having a healthy, loving, and trusting relationship. Don’t allow no one to ruin what you have and that includes yourself as well! Lies will ruin a relationship so just be honest and trust in the fact that you and your partner have a bond that shouldn’t be destroyed by selfish lies! Please also read this
Now I know this isn’t something women like to be referred to as but the hard truth of it is that men refer to women this way more than you know. When a woman have an “ATTITUDE” instead of thinking about why she has that attitude or why her mood is thrown off men just say the famous line “man you always got an attitude about something”. Now granted there are some women who may just be mad ahaha but in most cases there is a problem! Many men just like majority of women will assume instead of asking what’s wrong. In my opinion a nagging woman is a woman who has some things that she need to get off her chest, trust issues or just some things that should have been expressed probably before now but it has been held in for various reasons.
I never understood why it’s hard for either person in the relationship to say let’s sit down and talk I want to know what’s wrong? I want to know what’s on your mind? Those simple questions can make a world of difference in a relationship. Most women think of trust as the main component in a relationship and if you don’t have that then you have nothing. You have to trust in your partner enough to communicate the hardest things at times but it has to be done if you want a lasting relationship. Instead of just assuming she has an attitude ask about it because 10 times out of 20 its going to be a deep situation. Always remember as well what may not be deep to you may be deep to her so you have to communicate and understanding she isn’t just nagging because it’s something to do. Communication is just as important as trust because they both go hand in hand with each other.
When a woman starts to suspect something is wrong and it’s not being addressed, in her mind she begins to wonder and assume. Oh I know some men are rattled up right now at just the thought of reading this with the word ASSUME in it because men hate that ladies.The reality of it is that if a woman is trying to communicate and the man is not communicating back in a proper manner that woman will assume! In all fairness what else is she to do if your holding back and just thinking of her as a woman nagging you? No man nor woman should have to be play guessing games as to what is going on in the relationship. When the games start the relationship ends simple as that.
What have you done?
If you know that you have a track record of lies longer than a trip to another planet please understand that will always be in the back of her mind. If you have a history of not being faithful and loyal to her please understand that most certainly will always be in her mind especially when you are leaving her guessing and assuming because you are not communicating efficiently. All because I am a fair person I have to say that ladies if you have agreed to forgive this man for his wrong doings and stated that you are moving forward with the relationship, that means you can’t keep bringing it back up, however ladies I encourage you to never forget though! When you are rebuilding trust with someone it takes work. It will not be easy to get to a point were you fully and completely trust that person who did wrong by you.
A woman wants to be loved, give love and wants to feel love. There is no woman on earth who wants to be in a relationship with a man who is not honest with her, loyal to her, affectionate with her, and completely faithful to her. Ladies you know the drill though we have to provide those things too as well. A woman will treat a man like the king he should be once she completely trust in him and believe in him and the relationship. A woman that nags you is a woman who need to be reassured of the relationship because somewhere along the way between the ups and downs things got lost along the way. You have to trust one another and I promise you will have a lot less problems when the trust is there. It will make the relationship so much simpler and guys you would be surprised at the lengths that woman will go to for a man that they fully trust! Be mindful of each others feelings and stay connected. Bonds are built with the intentions of them lasting so think really hard before breaking them!! Read this here for more on this topic.
Ladies have you ever been in a relationship with a man who always seem like he is suffering inside and he tends to go above and beyond to make everything your fault? Have you found yourself trying to figure out is it you even when you know in your mind and heart it’s not? I know this won’t be too hard to believe because we see it all the time but we never understand it until we have been through it. If the man you are with is incapable of giving love to you then please understand it’s not you! You will never be able to control what another human puts out into the universe or the energy that they give off to others. What that man is afraid of you may never know but it’s not fair to suffer at the expense of sparing his feelings of truths that he needs to hear.
That old saying….
You all know how the old saying goes, if you can’t have peace in your own home where can you have it at? I can answer that for you with no problem and that’s NO WHERE! I don’t know about anyone else but there has to be peace where I lay my head at all times day and night. If you are incapable of giving love then you shouldn’t bother with those that are! I know that was very simply said but trust me it’s power in that simple saying. In my opinion the men that are hurt and struggling within knew they where dealing with that struggle before they met you. The reason why I choose to believe this is because if all the things he tells you that happened to him in his past and he moves on quickly and does the exact same thing to you if not worse than he knew he was carrying that around inside already. It’s just a matter of time before he let it out.
The trying process…
Mostly all of us have been in situations in which we know the relationship is going down hill but you try so hard only because you can see the potential in the relationship although you don’t actually feel it deep down. The reason most of us do that is because naturally there is always a sense of hope that things will get better and that person you are with will see the damage they are causing. The million dollar question one may want to know is do they really ever realize it while it’s happening? I guess this may be debatable for some but not for me I stand on the fact that they know exactly what they are doing. This is especially true when the person they are with is telling them over and over and the tears have been flowing for years and I assure you it’s not tears of joy.
The dreaded I can do better speech…
To further prove my thoughts on this think back or think to the many moments he says “baby I know I been messing up but just give me one more chance and I will change.” So as smart as we are ladies, we give him that chance and a hemp more of others too. I want you to know I tried so hard to not laugh as I typed that but ladies you know how we do sometimes! We have to learn to just accept men as they are and not expect a change especially when they are really ready. No matter how many times the word sorry is thrown around, if his mind isn’t set in stone that he will do better and he proves it with his actions then the hard truth of it is he won’t. I do want to say there is nothing wrong with giving chances because no one is perfect however when enough is enough then its enough! You can read more on that topic here.
Please understand this…
Ladies stop blaming yourself because you feel for a man who was incapable of giving love to you. I know that you have heard this before but the heart wants what the heart wants but be careful and remember your mind is still to be used too. That hold you feel that man has on him is bigger than you and more than likely started way before you so don’t allow the dishonesty, unfaithfulness, insecurities, lack of communication etc. to consume you and make you feel like you are to blame. Never fall down into the evil plot of others. Remember that love is to be given freely not to be forced upon an individual who is incapable of giving love back as you deserve.
So he says he love you? He also said that you mean so much to him that he wouldn’t be able to live without you? He says these things but then he jumps in your face, acts like your the reason he acts this way and proceed to degrade you like your nothing. He hasn’t put his hands on you but you find your heart shattered and broken into a million pieces. His actions and words towards you prove to you your not enough yet you stay. I don’t know who you are that I’m speaking to but I want you to know that emotional and mentally abusive relationships are not OK to be in. So many questions come to mind when your sitting in the dark after crying your eyes out wondering why you aren’t good enough.
To whomever is going through this now or have been through it, I want you to know it’s NOT you! You are not the problem. You have not done anything wrong other than letting love trick you into staying in these abusive relationships that you don’t deserve. I want you to know that we all understand your reasoning because just like you everyone wants love but please understand real love can’t come from someone who is hurting you! Yes I get that its not physical abuse but he is breaking you down day by day minute by minute. That man is a coward. You are beautiful, smart and intelligent never let anyone tell you other wise. The man that is verbally abusing you is a very insecure man. His issues are within himself and has nothing to do with you. With that being said I don’t care what you do to try and FIX him he will always revert to acting like you are the worst.
When you pour your love all over him does he accept it? When you encourage him and tell him things in life aren’t always going to be picture perfect but worth it, does he scold you like a child because he wants everything his way right then because he has no patience with life or with you? On your happy days does he go out his way to make you feel like you shouldn’t be happy because nothing is right for him? Does he make you feel like your walking on eggshells just to be sure you don’t provoke him into jumping in your face, cussing you out to a point that the tears roll faster than you can blink?
I know this may be a lot to think about it and I’m not telling you this will be easy but I will tell you that you have to leave this situation. The man that is doing this to you don’t love you fully like you deserve to be loved. I have always believed that a man that does this to a woman is a broken man with internal issues that you can’t fix for him no matter how much you want to do so. I understand that you love the one that you are with but at the same time you have to love yourself a little bit more. There comes a time in life that you have to put yourself first regardless if you see the man your with as your priority.
You don’t deserve to be treated anything less than the queen that you are. I just can’t stress this enough that you are enough! Even if you are not enough for the person that you want to be enough for but I promise you that somebody one day will see you for you and will love you like you could never imagine. If that man is verbally abusing you please don’t feel obligated to stay because you love him or that you think he loves you. A man that loves you will love on you, pray with you, care for you, hold you, make sure your OK and always be there for you. A real man that loves you will not want to see you see you cry and although I’m sure not a lot people know that you are going through this because you prefer that it is kept quiet but just know your eyes speak even when your mouth is closed.
Don’t be afraid to find happiness. As women we have to love and support one another please read and find encouragement in this post as well. Don’t ever stay in abusive relationships remember you are a queen so allow yourself to be treated like one.
So I want to start off by telling you that the old saying that you hear people saying that you have to go through the bad to get to the good is true! The process of dating can lead to good long-term things or it could be bad short-term things. Personally I will tell you all I have had the worse and I feel that now I can recognize better. I want to explain exactly what I mean so let’s do some dating chat.
When dating someone it should be a fun and exciting time for both you and him. You both should be putting in effort to get to know each other and build up a bond that becomes unbreakable. I learned quickly to identify suspicious behavior when dating someone. Now that may sound a bit off or funny but I promise I have a reason for saying that. Do you know that during the dating stage you ask lots of questions and actually listen to remember the answers? Well if you knew that I want you to know you are one of the smarter ones because up until recently I didn’t even know particularly men had that in them. As women we get so use to the wrong ones that we become immune to it. We also should never look at that as normal because it’s not!
Lately I’ve found out ladies that there is some hope for us! If you follow my posts regularly then you already know I only write on what I know and have experienced so when I tell you that there is a man out there that will listen to you, pursue you consistently, be there for you, bring NO baggage your way, be honest with you, date you with better intentions than just to sleep with you, put you first, be faithful and loyal to you I’m telling you the truth! Ladies if you are getting anything less that those things he is NOT the one.
The purpose of this dating chat is that you will be able to identify a guy who is good for you if you are looking for short-term. It’s the suspicious behavior that gives it away. That man can tell you what you want to hear but watch how he handles you. If every time that man sees you it’s at your house and always includes straight to the bed and then he dips out, that is not the man who is looking for long-term with you. Yea that guy may like what he is getting from you but that’s it! That guy is not dating you because you have a beautiful smile, beautiful personality, your honest, loyal, and faithful. A real man is going to not only be attracted to you physically, but mentally, and emotionally. That man is going to want to know all about you and he will invest time into doing so.
Never allow someone to tell you they are so busy with work and daily life that they can’t make time for anything other than coming to CHILL with you, handle their business then leave. Dating is fun and relaxed but remember when you date a person you are dating with a purpose! I say don’t date a when can I come chill with you type guy. You have to get you a hey how you doing can I take you out type of guy. I promise you those are the best. They make their intentions known and leaves no room for guess-work and you can’t ask for better than that. It’s the simplest things that REAL men do that will make you want them more.
So if that man don’t have you feeling like a queen, give you hope and faith that not all are the same then that’s those short-term guys, you better watch out for them and let them go! Having the worse has definitely paved the way for the best to come just pay attention to how he handles you. I’ve enjoyed the dating chat you all have to let me know your experiences as well in the comments. Read this here as well for more dating chat.
I know things can be ruff at times and I also know that it’s so easy to get distracted. If you are a regular follower of my posts then you already know that I talk from experience. I am here to tell you all that there will be some people in your life that will bring nothing but negative energy but it’s up to you to find your own motivation. When I say find your own motivation I mean find it within yourself. Don’t ever depend on no one to give you what you can find within.
It took me a while to realize that not everyone was going to be my everyday cheerleader. I had so much negative energy around me at one point in my life that I literally ALMOST begun to think like them. It was at that point that I knew I had to make some changes to get away from them. As a matter of fact it was more like running away because I wanted no parts of it. I realized I deserved so much better because I sat back and thought about all the good I do for others and it just makes sense to want some of that back. I know that no one is perfect each of us are fighting our own demons but that shouldn’t make you want to devalue the person or people that are there for you.
Throughout my life I have always been supportive of the people close to me and people that I don’t even know I have words of encouragement for them too. You can never really know exactly what people are going through in life so you have to be someone’s difference between a bad day and a bad life. What that means is if you can’t be supportive, show love, inspire, encourage and motivate a person then no need to have a conversation of any kind with that person. I say that because if that person is already going through some things why contribute to it? If that person has a lot going on and you come around with your negative energy then the first thought in their head is ugh nothing can go right in my life but if you are supportive you can possibly change that thought.
The point of this is no matter who you are and what you do in life don’t allow negative people around to influence your thinking. I do know that negativity is always around lurking but it just makes it even harder than what it has to be when you have the extra negativity from people close to you. Take the time to find your own motivation to be great within yourself! The journey you are on will not be easy but it will be worth it always remember that. As far as the people that enter your life and want to see you winning these battles time after time make sure to feed off of that and keep them around because its not many out here that’s going to be that ear to listen or that crutch when you can’t stand alone! So love one another and support one another because its already enough hate in the world as it is. This post here will also provide insight on this message I wanted to share with you all.
There are so many days that I sit and think about the past 10 years of my life. I have never had that one true love that could stand against all adversity. I think that most others do right after the point of having disappointments. What I mean by that is I gave up on the thought of love and start focusing on me. I realized that just maybe that is whats been missing and I have to fully understand what I want before I can let another in. Now that statement may sound easy but trust me it’s deeper than how I wrote it! What I mean is after doing some evaluations in my life to try to figure this thing out I realized something. I must say when I realized it I was completely astound.
What I found out was that its not about the things that happened or caused the ending of my past relationships it actually was about the start of those relationships. When people say why are you single, we all begin to rave about what the other person did in the relationship only because as humans we aren’t perfect . When someone ask me that now oh I have the correct response (haha). I say to them I’m single because like most I am guilty of knowing damn well people from my past was not a good match for me because of the red flags I peeped right from the beginning and choose to ignore them. I guess I just feel like people deserve chances and I have a bad habit of thinking everyone’s heart is the same as mine which I have quickly realized its not!
When I first meet a guy I try my best to get to know all about them. I want to understand where his mind is at and what I want from the relationship as time passes. I always make it clear as to who I am as a person and what it is that I’m looking for. Often times I say upfront I’m looking for long term if you are not with that then just maybe friendship will be better. I’ve always dated with a purpose. I don’t date a guy just to be doing it because I don’t have the time to do that. So here comes the fun part after we establish all those things such as like, dislikes, goals, etc. I get excited and ready to see where the relationship will go but boy am I in for a rude awakening.
A few weeks after or maybe even a month or so after the oh so good “talking stage” has come to an end and the person realize that you care for them, that’s when all hell breaks loose. You begin to see the “dark side” of that person. This is the part that has me rolling laughing. I’m laughing because I already peeped it yet I ignored it! There are always signs that are there but you all know how good the talking stage is which cause us to overlook things. I use to blame myself but then realized as years has pass that when you know better you do better and I promise you one thing I’ve learned to be more selective. This whole time I had been wondering why I can’t have a love that will last me a life time or at least get close to it.
Now I know that I’ve understood that its not them it was me and my choice in men that caused me so many issues I feel like I will be ready to fully love and find my forever one day (haha). I’m just enjoying life and I know I will know when the right one comes along because I’ve had the wrong ones. I will be more selective in my choosing and when I see something is not right I will refuse to linger it on. Good women as I always say are the ones that are taken advantage of the most but mostly because we allow it. We have to be more firm in our expectations, wants and needs. We have to stop settling for just anything just because our heart is good and we seem to think every man we meet will live up to what we know we provide in the relationship. Its OK to think of others but lets stop forgetting about ourselves! Check out this post here and you will see how all of this comes together after the fact.
I felt very compelled to write about this because I see it happen all the time and I too have experienced being in toxic relationships. In the beginning of the relationship everything seems fine and you are enjoying each other. A lot of the problems that will arise later in the relationship you probably wouldn’t have even seen it coming. I know there is always a phase that new relationships go through called the “lubby dubby” stage but what happens after that stage is what has me like wow! This particular stage reminds me of another post I’ve written and you can check it out here.
I met a guy a few years back and I promise you the treatment I got from him I definitely didn’t expect it nor saw it coming. The rage he had in him was beyond anything I had seen before. I felt so emotionally drained. He had a lot of issues going on in his life way beyond my control and his as well. Lets just say the choices he made earlier in life affected his future in ways he didn’t think it would while he was growing up and coming into himself as a man. In situations like this you find yourself trying to motivate, inspire and just be there as a good woman should for the man that she is with. You also begin to feel terrible that you can’t make all of his issues fade away. When you begin to feel that way you then start throwing his behavior towards you “under the rug”.
When a man is stressed as we all get sometimes there is still a certain way to handle it. Never should one say oh he is stressed and that’s why he is constantly yelling, fussing, being negative, and acting as if you’re the problem when in reality deep down you both know what the problem is and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Toxic relationships happen all the time but the fact that you don’t know when to let them go is when it becomes a major problem. Lucky for me I knew what was acceptable and what wasn’t so when it was time to let go, I did just that! I’ve learned over the years that you can try to motivate, encourage and inspire someone all you want but until they are ready to face their issues head on, there is nothing you can do or say that will help them. The one thing that you can do is love yourself enough to say “hey I understand you are going through a lot and its nothing that can make it better but there is still a level of respect that you will have to have for me in order for me to continue to be here for you. These kind of relationships can break you down mentally and have you emotionally drained if you let it. I say that to say this if you’re in a toxic relationship and it can’t be worked though then go do whats best for you because it’s not fair to you that the person your with is taking out his or her problems on you. When you’re in a relationship you are supposed to be that person’s peace not there making them feel like an enemy that your attacking because you can’t handle what’s going on in your own life! If you remain in a toxic relationship it can only bring you down to level that you don’t want to be at and you don’t deserve that!
Many may ask is the relationship that I am in really worth the things that I am going through? A lot of the times we tend to stay in relationships that are unhealthy solely based on the fact that we think that we can change the person that we are with. It’s proven time and time again that no relationship is perfect but that does not mean that you have to deal with the actions of person that seems to not care because that’s not healthy. I always tell people when they are looking for advice that the moment you start to question a person’s actions and the way they are treating you then something is not right.
When you are in a healthy relationship with someone you will know it and you will feel it. Although all relationships have its share of arguments there is no way that two people are arguing every day or even every other day in a healthy relationship. When the person that you are with is seeing someone else and you constantly have to forgive them, or they are making you feel beneath them, that’s not a healthy relationship. When two people come together its so inspire, motivate, love, and to build a foundation capable of lasting a lifetime.
If you care for your partner and want them in your life, you have to prove it with your actions. The bickering and arguments that you are having does more damage than good. It destroys the bond which is the foundation of the relationship. There is no woman or man in this world that does not want to be in a healthy relationship in which two people can sit down, talk, have fun together, play together and build together. Healthy relationships are built and maintained and it will take work but if two people have the same goal in mind then you both deserve the happiness and fulfillment that a healthy relationship can bring. For in depth understanding consider reading this.