There are so many days that I sit and think about the past 10 years of my life. I have never had that one true love that could stand against all adversity. I think that most others do right after the point of having disappointments. What I mean by that is I gave up on the thought of love and start focusing on me. I realized that just maybe that is whats been missing and I have to fully understand what I want before I can let another in. Now that statement may sound easy but trust me it’s deeper than how I wrote it! What I mean is after doing some evaluations in my life to try to figure this thing out I realized something. I must say when I realized it I was completely astound.
What I found out was that its not about the things that happened or caused the ending of my past relationships it actually was about the start of those relationships. When people say why are you single, we all begin to rave about what the other person did in the relationship only because as humans we aren’t perfect . When someone ask me that now oh I have the correct response (haha). I say to them I’m single because like most I am guilty of knowing damn well people from my past was not a good match for me because of the red flags I peeped right from the beginning and choose to ignore them. I guess I just feel like people deserve chances and I have a bad habit of thinking everyone’s heart is the same as mine which I have quickly realized its not!
When I first meet a guy I try my best to get to know all about them. I want to understand where his mind is at and what I want from the relationship as time passes. I always make it clear as to who I am as a person and what it is that I’m looking for. Often times I say upfront I’m looking for long term if you are not with that then just maybe friendship will be better. I’ve always dated with a purpose. I don’t date a guy just to be doing it because I don’t have the time to do that. So here comes the fun part after we establish all those things such as like, dislikes, goals, etc. I get excited and ready to see where the relationship will go but boy am I in for a rude awakening.
A few weeks after or maybe even a month or so after the oh so good “talking stage” has come to an end and the person realize that you care for them, that’s when all hell breaks loose. You begin to see the “dark side” of that person. This is the part that has me rolling laughing. I’m laughing because I already peeped it yet I ignored it! There are always signs that are there but you all know how good the talking stage is which cause us to overlook things. I use to blame myself but then realized as years has pass that when you know better you do better and I promise you one thing I’ve learned to be more selective. This whole time I had been wondering why I can’t have a love that will last me a life time or at least get close to it.
Now I know that I’ve understood that its not them it was me and my choice in men that caused me so many issues I feel like I will be ready to fully love and find my forever one day (haha). I’m just enjoying life and I know I will know when the right one comes along because I’ve had the wrong ones. I will be more selective in my choosing and when I see something is not right I will refuse to linger it on. Good women as I always say are the ones that are taken advantage of the most but mostly because we allow it. We have to be more firm in our expectations, wants and needs. We have to stop settling for just anything just because our heart is good and we seem to think every man we meet will live up to what we know we provide in the relationship. Its OK to think of others but lets stop forgetting about ourselves! Check out this post here and you will see how all of this comes together after the fact.
I felt very compelled to write about this because I see it happen all the time and I too have experienced being in toxic relationships. In the beginning of the relationship everything seems fine and you are enjoying each other. A lot of the problems that will arise later in the relationship you probably wouldn’t have even seen it coming. I know there is always a phase that new relationships go through called the “lubby dubby” stage but what happens after that stage is what has me like wow! This particular stage reminds me of another post I’ve written and you can check it out here.
I met a guy a few years back and I promise you the treatment I got from him I definitely didn’t expect it nor saw it coming. The rage he had in him was beyond anything I had seen before. I felt so emotionally drained. He had a lot of issues going on in his life way beyond my control and his as well. Lets just say the choices he made earlier in life affected his future in ways he didn’t think it would while he was growing up and coming into himself as a man. In situations like this you find yourself trying to motivate, inspire and just be there as a good woman should for the man that she is with. You also begin to feel terrible that you can’t make all of his issues fade away. When you begin to feel that way you then start throwing his behavior towards you “under the rug”.
When a man is stressed as we all get sometimes there is still a certain way to handle it. Never should one say oh he is stressed and that’s why he is constantly yelling, fussing, being negative, and acting as if you’re the problem when in reality deep down you both know what the problem is and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Toxic relationships happen all the time but the fact that you don’t know when to let them go is when it becomes a major problem. Lucky for me I knew what was acceptable and what wasn’t so when it was time to let go, I did just that! I’ve learned over the years that you can try to motivate, encourage and inspire someone all you want but until they are ready to face their issues head on, there is nothing you can do or say that will help them. The one thing that you can do is love yourself enough to say “hey I understand you are going through a lot and its nothing that can make it better but there is still a level of respect that you will have to have for me in order for me to continue to be here for you. These kind of relationships can break you down mentally and have you emotionally drained if you let it. I say that to say this if you’re in a toxic relationship and it can’t be worked though then go do whats best for you because it’s not fair to you that the person your with is taking out his or her problems on you. When you’re in a relationship you are supposed to be that person’s peace not there making them feel like an enemy that your attacking because you can’t handle what’s going on in your own life! If you remain in a toxic relationship it can only bring you down to level that you don’t want to be at and you don’t deserve that!
Many may ask is the relationship that I am in really worth the things that I am going through? A lot of the times we tend to stay in relationships that are unhealthy solely based on the fact that we think that we can change the person that we are with. It’s proven time and time again that no relationship is perfect but that does not mean that you have to deal with the actions of person that seems to not care because that’s not healthy. I always tell people when they are looking for advice that the moment you start to question a person’s actions and the way they are treating you then something is not right.
When you are in a healthy relationship with someone you will know it and you will feel it. Although all relationships have its share of arguments there is no way that two people are arguing every day or even every other day in a healthy relationship. When the person that you are with is seeing someone else and you constantly have to forgive them, or they are making you feel beneath them, that’s not a healthy relationship. When two people come together its so inspire, motivate, love, and to build a foundation capable of lasting a lifetime.
If you care for your partner and want them in your life, you have to prove it with your actions. The bickering and arguments that you are having does more damage than good. It destroys the bond which is the foundation of the relationship. There is no woman or man in this world that does not want to be in a healthy relationship in which two people can sit down, talk, have fun together, play together and build together. Healthy relationships are built and maintained and it will take work but if two people have the same goal in mind then you both deserve the happiness and fulfillment that a healthy relationship can bring. For in depth understanding consider reading this.