There are so many days that I sit and think about the past 10 years of my life. I have never had that one true love that could stand against all adversity. I think that most others do right after the point of having disappointments. What I mean by that is I gave up on the thought of love and start focusing on me. I realized that just maybe that is whats been missing and I have to fully understand what I want before I can let another in. Now that statement may sound easy but trust me it’s deeper than how I wrote it! What I mean is after doing some evaluations in my life to try to figure this thing out I realized something. I must say when I realized it I was completely astound.
What I found out was that its not about the things that happened or caused the ending of my past relationships it actually was about the start of those relationships. When people say why are you single, we all begin to rave about what the other person did in the relationship only because as humans we aren’t perfect . When someone ask me that now oh I have the correct response (haha). I say to them I’m single because like most I am guilty of knowing damn well people from my past was not a good match for me because of the red flags I peeped right from the beginning and choose to ignore them. I guess I just feel like people deserve chances and I have a bad habit of thinking everyone’s heart is the same as mine which I have quickly realized its not!
When I first meet a guy I try my best to get to know all about them. I want to understand where his mind is at and what I want from the relationship as time passes. I always make it clear as to who I am as a person and what it is that I’m looking for. Often times I say upfront I’m looking for long term if you are not with that then just maybe friendship will be better. I’ve always dated with a purpose. I don’t date a guy just to be doing it because I don’t have the time to do that. So here comes the fun part after we establish all those things such as like, dislikes, goals, etc. I get excited and ready to see where the relationship will go but boy am I in for a rude awakening.
A few weeks after or maybe even a month or so after the oh so good “talking stage” has come to an end and the person realize that you care for them, that’s when all hell breaks loose. You begin to see the “dark side” of that person. This is the part that has me rolling laughing. I’m laughing because I already peeped it yet I ignored it! There are always signs that are there but you all know how good the talking stage is which cause us to overlook things. I use to blame myself but then realized as years has pass that when you know better you do better and I promise you one thing I’ve learned to be more selective. This whole time I had been wondering why I can’t have a love that will last me a life time or at least get close to it.
Now I know that I’ve understood that its not them it was me and my choice in men that caused me so many issues I feel like I will be ready to fully love and find my forever one day (haha). I’m just enjoying life and I know I will know when the right one comes along because I’ve had the wrong ones. I will be more selective in my choosing and when I see something is not right I will refuse to linger it on. Good women as I always say are the ones that are taken advantage of the most but mostly because we allow it. We have to be more firm in our expectations, wants and needs. We have to stop settling for just anything just because our heart is good and we seem to think every man we meet will live up to what we know we provide in the relationship. Its OK to think of others but lets stop forgetting about ourselves! Check out this post here and you will see how all of this comes together after the fact.
I felt very compelled to write about this because I see it happen all the time and I too have experienced being in toxic relationships. In the beginning of the relationship everything seems fine and you are enjoying each other. A lot of the problems that will arise later in the relationship you probably wouldn’t have even seen it coming. I know there is always a phase that new relationships go through called the “lubby dubby” stage but what happens after that stage is what has me like wow! This particular stage reminds me of another post I’ve written and you can check it out here.
I met a guy a few years back and I promise you the treatment I got from him I definitely didn’t expect it nor saw it coming. The rage he had in him was beyond anything I had seen before. I felt so emotionally drained. He had a lot of issues going on in his life way beyond my control and his as well. Lets just say the choices he made earlier in life affected his future in ways he didn’t think it would while he was growing up and coming into himself as a man. In situations like this you find yourself trying to motivate, inspire and just be there as a good woman should for the man that she is with. You also begin to feel terrible that you can’t make all of his issues fade away. When you begin to feel that way you then start throwing his behavior towards you “under the rug”.
When a man is stressed as we all get sometimes there is still a certain way to handle it. Never should one say oh he is stressed and that’s why he is constantly yelling, fussing, being negative, and acting as if you’re the problem when in reality deep down you both know what the problem is and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Toxic relationships happen all the time but the fact that you don’t know when to let them go is when it becomes a major problem. Lucky for me I knew what was acceptable and what wasn’t so when it was time to let go, I did just that! I’ve learned over the years that you can try to motivate, encourage and inspire someone all you want but until they are ready to face their issues head on, there is nothing you can do or say that will help them. The one thing that you can do is love yourself enough to say “hey I understand you are going through a lot and its nothing that can make it better but there is still a level of respect that you will have to have for me in order for me to continue to be here for you. These kind of relationships can break you down mentally and have you emotionally drained if you let it. I say that to say this if you’re in a toxic relationship and it can’t be worked though then go do whats best for you because it’s not fair to you that the person your with is taking out his or her problems on you. When you’re in a relationship you are supposed to be that person’s peace not there making them feel like an enemy that your attacking because you can’t handle what’s going on in your own life! If you remain in a toxic relationship it can only bring you down to level that you don’t want to be at and you don’t deserve that!
Many may ask is the relationship that I am in really worth the things that I am going through? A lot of the times we tend to stay in relationships that are unhealthy solely based on the fact that we think that we can change the person that we are with. It’s proven time and time again that no relationship is perfect but that does not mean that you have to deal with the actions of person that seems to not care because that’s not healthy. I always tell people when they are looking for advice that the moment you start to question a person’s actions and the way they are treating you then something is not right.
When you are in a healthy relationship with someone you will know it and you will feel it. Although all relationships have its share of arguments there is no way that two people are arguing every day or even every other day in a healthy relationship. When the person that you are with is seeing someone else and you constantly have to forgive them, or they are making you feel beneath them, that’s not a healthy relationship. When two people come together its so inspire, motivate, love, and to build a foundation capable of lasting a lifetime.
If you care for your partner and want them in your life, you have to prove it with your actions. The bickering and arguments that you are having does more damage than good. It destroys the bond which is the foundation of the relationship. There is no woman or man in this world that does not want to be in a healthy relationship in which two people can sit down, talk, have fun together, play together and build together. Healthy relationships are built and maintained and it will take work but if two people have the same goal in mind then you both deserve the happiness and fulfillment that a healthy relationship can bring. For in depth understanding consider reading this.
Have you ever noticed how men will go literally crazy if he even suspects his woman is seeing someone else or have feelings for someone else? This man will shut all the way down on you and act like you committed murder or something! I know that as women we really go crazy too but its something different when a man does it. It seems like it take his whole soul out of him. A man can cheat on his woman time after time after time and he says oh it was a mistake or just something that happened then proceed to continue on with his day like nothing happened.
Ladies I want you all to know that a quiet man is a man who is hurt and is holding his feelings in. As women we should all understand why though and if you don’t let me explain it to you. Most women who cheat is already cheating for a reason in the first place. They are cheating due to a lack of something they are not getting in the relationship. A woman never just cheats with just anyone. There has to be something that peaks her interest about the man who she is cheating with and for the time being he is providing something she isn’t receiving at home. I promise you there is an attraction and some type of emotional connection that is felt at that moment! I say that to say this when women cheat it’s a reason and the person she cheats with is not random!
Men are not as blind to feelings as we would like to think they are. Most men don’t give it too much thought when they cheat because they are built different from a woman! A man don’t have to have any emotional ties to a woman but because he WANTS to or is attracted to the woman he can be with her even if for one night and still not care about her. Therefore the odds are fair in saying some women can forgive a man who cheats because its assumed that he loves her but made a mistake although we all know better than that!
If you step out on your man I’m here to tell you that if that man loves you and you do that its going to break him down. That man knows that women cheat with a purpose so to say and his ego will be crushed! A man can handle a lot of things but this thing here will have him broken.
Cheating is wrong no matter who does it man or woman but the harsh reality of it is that it happens! I see it all the time and honestly I don’t see it ever stopping. What I do know is it’s totally up to you as to what you allow in YOUR life! I truly wish none of this was reality but we have to face it it’s the reality we live in! Consider reading this here.
Getting attention requires putting in the work in order to get it back the same
Have you ever noticed there are times in the relationship that your partner is over joyed and the affection and attention you are receiving makes you think like what’s gotten into you? Many don’t even think about the causes of this which is quite simple and I want to shed some light on it. When you are not stressing your partner that person will not reciprocate and have you feeling like you can’t get from around them fast enough. If you are not playing around, you’re being honest, and loving on your partner, I can assure you that you will get the same!
It’s when you start to drift off, be dishonest and not show the love and attention to your partner is when they will start to retaliate with those very uncomfortable so called “attitudes and mood swings”. A woman (including myself until learned different) always thinks that men are mind readers but I want you to know for a fact they are not! I will say in our defense though the reason that we think that is because we feel that if you’re doing something wrong you should be able to pick up on it without someone else having to tell you. We are always hoping that our partner understands the simple thought of if he wouldn’t want me to do it why would he?
We all have to keep in mind that if you are in a relationship and don’t want the added unnecessary stress then we have to communicate and avoid doing the things that you know your partner wouldn’t care for but ladies we have to remember to address what the issue is so that it can be fixed. Always remember you get what you put out so if you want more of those good days reciprocated then as always you have to do what you would want given to you nothing less than that. Its so much going on in the world today to be stressing the one you are with, they should be your peace instead. Read this for a bit more understanding of what I mean.
How do you expect what you are not giving? Building relationships is hard but you have to put in the work. A man can have the highest expectations ever of his woman, yet he ain’t worth the time and energy she spends trying to fix the relationship. It’s a well-known fact that men can recognize when they have a good woman however they just ain’t in the right mindset to keep her. Something I’ve observed a lot is men saying how they want a really good, loyal, faithful, honest, completely trustworthy woman who also cooks, clean and also provide good sex however and whenever he wants it! It’s not that I even think that’s too much to ask for it’s just that these men aren’t willing to do the same!
I am a firm believer that what you want to receive you have to be willing to give as well. I never quite understood why men say they recognize when a woman deserves the title of wife one day, yet he treats her like she has no value! The worst of the worst is the men that says “she’s a really good woman but I ain’t ready for all of that right now” but still be very persistent in getting that woman. Sometimes I think it’s an ego thing. That man ain’t ready, but he knows there are men out there that are, so he wants to keep her on stand by away from the next male just to say he got her. My first thought when I see this happening is why are you pursuing this woman when you know what she is about and you are not ready for it so why mess with it? Men you have to understand that playing around with a woman who is established, knows what she wants, ready to treat her man like a king, you just don’t play around with something like that.
When that woman is being consistent, loyal, honest, faithful, keeps herself up, takes care of home, all the while got you feeling like the king that you are not to her you should feel ashamed. There are real men looking for this woman so take your place in the back and sit down, so she can notice her king standing up awaiting her arrival! There is nothing attractive about a man not recognizing his woman worth. A good woman is priceless! Men have to start taking good women more serious because just like everyone say a good man is hard to come by, its the same way for women. Ladies stop letting men put you on reserve! If that man is not focused on you and do only enough to keep you around please understand you are worth more and you deserve to be building relationships with people who appreciate you. For more inspiration ladies check out this post here.
We quickly forget the elements of a serious relationship
Have you ever gave someone your all but all that your getting is inconsistency and a wondering mind but they say your in a serious relationship? Do you ever find yourself wondering why am I taking this person serious while they are wasting my time? I know that it may seem cliche to ask but have you ever stopped to ask yourself why are you giving your all to an inconsistent person? Although the inconsistency is a problem, it’s not solely that person’s problem. I say that because if you are allowing the inconsistency and you are still hanging on to something that isn’t there then it makes it partially your fault too! A person will only do what you allow them to do to you!
At some point regardless of talking stage or actually in a relationship you have to speak up voice your feelings and ask if it can be fixed because that’s called communication which is essential for any serious relationship. If that person is not trying to fix it and you know it then you are showing them it’s OK to treat you the way that they are! There is nothing that is going to change a person other than if it’s something they really want to do. Believe it or not sometimes you have to love or like a person from a distance. You can’t always stay in situations because of how strongly you feel or how you believe things will change. Rule of thumb for me is people are consistent with what they really want and what they don’t want to live without. So when you are thinking and your mind is wondering how does he feel about me or how does she feel about me just know if the person hasn’t or won’t tell you then just watch their actions towards you. You shouldn’t have to think about the consistency of a person because they will be so consistent it won’t give you the opportunity to do so!
If a person can’t be consistent with you and have your mind wondering then love yourself enough to say this isn’t fair to me and begin to evaluate your next move regardless of what it is just don’t give your all to someone who is inconsistent and have your mind wondering you don’t deserve that! Always remember we are no longer kids you have to hold a person responsible for their actions and they have to be willing to accept responsibility for their actions. As a reminder please know that no consistency no relationship because your significant other will begin to loose interest more sooner than later. Check out this post here to discuss this further.
Why does it seem life hates me? Why do I feel it’s so hard to survive in this world? Why do I feel like nothing ever goes right for me? I know at some point we all may have asked ourselves these questions. The truth is life doesn’t hate you and although you may have some difficult situations that arise in your life it doesn’t mean that nothing will go right for you! You have to love yourself enough to know that whatever you want in life you can have. The requirement is that you will have to move in ways that will improve your life and well-being. Something I’ve learned in life that has always stuck out to me is that you have to make your own way, create your own happiness and not give that responsibility to someone or something else. You have to put positivity into the universe. Always go after what you want don’t be afraid. The only person that holds you back is you. We all have the same 24 hours in a day but what you choose to do with yours is up to you. There is no one that can stop you but you! This applies to your relationships, your job, your family etc. We all need to understand that we are not perfect and no one should require you to be but always recognize your value and worth. If you need different results in your relationship work on it, if you need a better job then work on it. If you want anything better out of life go for it! Life is what u make it! Do what you can while you are here and don’t expect perfection but each day that you are here give it your all be the best you can be! Always remember life doesn’t hate you, and things may not always go as planned but that doesn’t mean nothing will ever go right for you either!
Have you ever met someone and become so anxious to know everything you can about them? Every chance that you get are you asking them about their life, what they enjoy, and just who they are as a person? I know we all have done this time and time again while going through the “talking stage,” better yet the “dreadful”stage some may refer to it as. The talking stage is a time for both people to interact and get to know each other but the complications come into play when one is trying more than the other. The truth is no one like to waste their time but you will run into some people who will do just that! They will waste your time just to have someone to talk to when they are bored or when the person they really want to talk to isn’t available! The talking stage is supposed to fun and exciting yet it can quickly turn into the dreadful stage if you don’t pay attention. Sometimes you can get so caught up in the excitement of something new that you don’t even see that the other person is not putting in the effort you are. What this means is that if your the one always asking the questions, making all the plans to get some time in with them, doing all the calling with no answer but get a text once or twice a day or even less than that please understand that person is not that into you as you are them. I’ve always believed and will always believe people make time and put effort into what they want to and there’s no other way around saying that. If a person is busy with work, family, etc then so be it but I promise you they will still find a way to be consistent in communicating with you. They may not be able to drop everything for you in the spare of a moment, but they will make their interest be known to you! A really good example of this is if your in the talking stage with someone, and they say “oh I didn’t get a chance to call or send a text the last couple of days because I been busy,” I begin to think of scenarios like so what you are telling me is if we were in a relationship and your “busy” then I won’t hear from you for days at a time until your ready to have a conversation with me? Another scenario I would play out in my mind is if this man or woman have kids when they are “busy” do they choose to go days at a time without checking on them too? Of course, we all get busy from time to time with things in our lives but it’s no such thing as being so busy you can’t communicate at all! I refuse to believe it! What I do believe is what I stated earlier people definitely make time for who and what they want to make time for so please always keep that in mind when you are calling, asking questions, texting making plans with no response!
No relationship will be misunderstanding free or disagreement free! When two people come together you have to understand there are and will be some differences in opinions! It’s more so about how you are going to get pass those hard times. When you disagree with your partner it doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t care about what you are saying it simply means they think of the situation different so at that point the choice is to either compromise or agree to disagree respectfully. Ladies you know how we as women can sometimes be a little hard on the men that comes into our lives especially if they are just as strong-minded as we can be! With that being said it makes me have to mention, when we are having these misunderstandings and disagreements with our partners it’s real important to not only talk it out but also when the conversation is over remember it’s over, and we can’t keep bringing it back up over and over when the issue has been resolved because that’s not healthy. So as long as there is healthy communication when situations and problems come about you will be just fine! What I mean by that is if your partner is willing to sit down and discuss with you a situation that they disagree with you on but is willing to meet you half-way on it or even agree to disagree that’s a person who cares! If your partner is fussing, yelling, not listening, walking out and throwing a tantrum that’s not healthy by no means, so I say that to say this understand that there are going to be misunderstandings and disagreements but it’s solely up to you and your partner to communicate, listen and understand each other and know that’s normal if done in the correct manner!